it seems like we were all raising each other.
when you are alone in new york, you look for someone to raise and someone to raise you. you have an older figure and a younger figure.
especially true for twenty somethings today.
when you leave new york; you leave those figures, and theres the test.

will you survive.

out there.

in the wilds of the west.

what will you make of yourself.


that is now the question the i know the answer to, but something i am now starting to try to figure out.

i was thinking today that we are all stories. meeting other stories. meeting other stories.

sometimes you like someone's story so much, that you sit down, and decide you want to spend a lot of time with this story. sounds fun. sound adventurous, sounds like something i would like to contribue to.

so you do.

and you contribute. and you contribute. and then you contribute.

then one day you've contibuted all you can.

and they are still silent. bored. boring.

next.



oh. and i think we are all turning into computers.

there is a song that i heard during the credits of six feet under tonight. i remembered to look it up once i got home, and was happy to find that the song is called cold wind - and its by the arcade fire. i adore arcade fire, so its a good thing all around.
i like one part of the song where they say "and if you go to san francisco, lay. some. flowers. on. the gravestone.
cold wind blowin.

very fitting for the overly dramatic six feet under. but worth the ninety nine cent d.l.

sometimes i write out numbers because i never learned to type numbers in typing class. so i always get them wrong. i got bored when it came to the numbers lesson. it was boring.

once i sent an email to mr. beeson, thanking him for teaching the typing class at our high school. knowing the keyboard has been an advantage all-around. its just easier. i can type in teh dark, like i am doing now from the depths of my bed. in the dark of my room.

i opened up today - to only get a full-on denial of pretty much everything. that was exciting. really fucking tragic. i feel like breaking vases again. i mean tragic vases. so i finally opened up. and the recipient sat on my lap, played with my hair, whilst telling me to "spit it out deer". so there i sat, biting my tears. choking it out. grinding my teeth for an explanation as to how i could be so clueless, and him so ruthless. wow.

i tell my best friend in nyc about it, and he later sent me a one word text message: sorry.

if your going to san francisco. lay. some. flowers. on. the gravestone.

tomorrow i plan on running some of this anger out of me. and then i plan on taking my dog to the beach, flying a kite, and working on my silk sea scarf. that will be a fulfilling day. full of breaks and pauses. maybe a joint. hopefully a joint.

joint effort of course.

calilies grow wild here. they grow wild. so do other lillies. lilly of the valley grows wild. with actual abundance. i have about five vases of flowers going at one time. i have an idea for a ecalyptus wreath.

joint effort.

how many days will it take to land.
how many days to reach abandon.
oh. abandon.

there is a yellow cloud filled with mucous on my eyeball. to the right of the green part. on the white round part.

isn't that strange? so after a few modified googles, i read that it is a normal thing that one might get when they have extra mucous in the body. like a stuffed up nose, or a scratchy coughy throat.

a google search that started with "eye cancer" and ended with "eyeball".

recover post recover post recover post

bright apple bright apple bright apple bright apple

there are 5 people in my house. 2 of us are awake.

tossing and coughing over feelings hurt and milk that never got spilt.

there is another person that is high. sure, he's asleep, but i wouldn't doubt he's asleep high.

however that works out.

there are two other people - of blood relation - sleeping.

one silent. one not.

and then there is a dog.

sleeping when he is tired. walking when he wants to walk.

catching balls with his teeth.

there is a new chubby girl at the house. she drove from santa rosa tonight in the rain.

he likes those girls with chubby bodies, and rosey faces. she's chubby with a rosey face.

my dog took a liking to her, but me being the selfish twat that i am, walked out into the living room and took my moochey dog away from her chubby side.

now he breathes deeply beside my legs, as she coughs on his smoke.

they called me from seven eleven to ask me what i wanted since they didn't have charleston chew nor peanut butter m and m's.

twix i said. carmel of course.

last of the burritos

i registered for something today that i registered for one year ago.

to the date. she said as she marked my new number, and said it was two bigger than the old number.

i told her it was okay because it has been a year.

yes. to the date.


and then i drove back down the redwood highway. i was going to be a good girl and drive right on past the baja fresh, but then made the exit and ten minutes later was tearing apart a baja burrito at baja fresh. express. i had never been to baja fresh, and now i have. so now that i have crossed that one off the list, i really don't have any other burrito joints that i haven't tackled in the north bay.

restaurants i still have to try:
fish - the sausa
buckeye roadhouse
marin joes

thats about it.

my dog was so pushy today. pushing up against me. it was all i could do to grab him with a bear hug and just hold the poor thing. such a lover he is. so i held him for a while, and told him i loved him.

last night i watched the tao of steve. the fatist comment got my panties all bunched up. once again, once again. women can be fat, but men cant. please. give it a rest.

she liked to push me.

songs for silverman is one of my favorite albums of 2005. well its merging into 2006 - so maybe i will like it better in oh six, but for right now, since i discovered it in oh five, i'm sticking with putting it in the top ten.

howard stern was on larry king tonight. he was talking about how fun it was to simply pick up his receiver on new years day and just give it a whole stream of consciousness about whateverness.

miles and miles and the sun's going down.

that is what is playing in the background as i pull a howard stern here on this computer.

my roommate is riding his motorcycle right now on tiburon blvd., to pick up a movie for us to watch. he found out that i had yet to see the wedding crashers, and thought he should be the young steed he is, and mount his bike and go and fetch the goods for the fair maiden.

we are also waiting for a woman in san raffie to call us back about a puppy we might be getting.

i'm just now finding out what it was all about.
we moved to teh west coast
away from everyone

i think i hear his bike. he doesn't care about blogs or emails or computers. he doesn't even know what a blog is.

one of those.

anyway. i'm going to go watch the wedding crashers. but first i'll give you my top five albums that i enjoyed during 2005.
1. wilco - a ghost is born
2. springsteen - nebraska
3. college dropout - kanye
4. outkast - speakerboxx
5. why does there have to be five? i'm stumped. forget five. i'm going with four.

glasslip

when you go to a place you love, you do things over and over again like its the last time you are going to do those things. imagine thinking you will never see a pumpkin pie again.
you would eat a slice, right?
so you do. and its not really the pumpkin pie you imagined, but you keep eating it because its the last time you will ever have pumpkin pie.
i was in, still am, new york this past week, and it really came down to me having to do one major thing, which lead to a couple of other things and then a couple of other things. same for people. one person lead to another person which lead to a group of people and then a couple of people and then one person and then a key.

i think i swallowed a piece of glass this evening after sneaking a couple of graham crackers with frosting because i knew i wouldn't have graham crackers nor frosting at my house in california. so before i left for this hip jet-blue terminal, i snuck a couple of frosted graham crackers, and then took a couple of swigs of purified water and then realized i had a cut lip and then realized that it was because of the glass, and that the missing shard might be on its way through my body.
i've had heartburn ever since.
fitting for the past week.

jetblue sure is a hip airline.

oakair

its early on a saturday. about 5:51 to be exact. i woke up first at midnight when the boys got home. then i woke up at 3:15 before my alarm - so i could shower, and get to this airport.
i was going to have one of the boys take me to san raffie, but instead simply drove myself to oakland, and parked my car in a lot called VIP parking. the charge was half of the charge that the airport will charge me, so i am happy about that.

a woman at one of the counters is looking for 6 more volunteers. she will give them a ticket anywhere in the U.S. and they will give her volunteer.

last night when i was woken up at midnight, i heard what i think will be a series of pathetic instances from my sorry roommate mike. i heard a girls voice. no doubt it was the thong girl, and no doubt she was in his room. i felt sorry for her that she had to sit in that smelly, dirty room with a drunk strong man. and then i'm most positive they were kissing, and he wanted to bang something out. this only lasted about 20 minutes. her uncomfortable giggling, and his baritone plea. but she eventually left. and then they talked on the phone for about another half hour while she drove home.
i now know that what most likely happened, is that both him and matt were too drunk to drive themselves home. so they called me thrice. i was sleeping. so they called thong girl to come and pick them up and drive them home. then of course he asked her into his room.

i think i need some coffee.

i also think that its great for me that this all happened. i was getting too attached, and wasn't feeling the need to start crying over anyone as of right now. i am fine with my current situation of change. or flux.

i still need coffee. i peircing headache that starts with not wearing contacts, and then continues to get worse with no caffeine. its almost at screaming point right now. i might as well get some coffee.

i am excited about rye. but i'm not so excited about the mona/miles situation. i always forget. isn't that funny. that we always forget the annoying things.

i've got to stop kidding myself, and stand in line for coffee.

seatac

psycho killer. kess ka say... run run run away.

this is something that i am hearing not because i "own" it (as they missuse own out here) but because my itunes on my laptop connects to other peoples itunes. it happens when i mark "share". i get to scroll through (and listen) to other peoples' libraries. thats the jist of it.

oh. did i mention that i am at an airport? code word for this airport is SEATAC. stands for SEATTLE & TACOMA. just in case you didn't know. i myself just put the two together.

i've been here for a while now. this hour actually marks my 12th hour of travel. not counting the 4 i spent yesterday night - or last night - MISSING the original flight.

oh shit. i've gotta change this next selection. i thought it would be fun to get to know tears for fears? oh - well the person who was lending his library just made the decision for me, and turned his off. boo hoo. i'll stick to my music. of course being fashionably late on most things - i am enjoying that kanye west album.

did you know that kanye busted his jaw and had to have it wired shut? its personally something i've always hoped for. a reason to stop my mouth from opening. must have been nice. i'll bet he got a lot of work done - as in writing lyrics, etc. while he was sick.

maybe being really really sick - like terminal - is like being stuck at the airport. thats terminal too. in a way.

i was planning on spending my layover in Denver. But Tasha is gone on some little trip. so i'm here in Seattle again. I was planning on walking around, but i have a heavy bag with me, that i did not check in. so i instead spent the day on my ibook watching netflix movies, learning imovie, writing, emailing, editing photos, and learning more tips for operating this here new thing that is so much fun. i can't imagine what someone did at the airport without an ibook. and i've done that! i've spent whole nights in airports. god what did i do? how horrid.