some people cry at the yes you can video. don't get me wrong, i was pretty dang close myself.

i cried when i got my brother voicemail and he had on not a voice recording - but a recording of 'you never give your money. you only give me your funny papers.' 'out of college money spent. see no future. pay no rent. all the moneys gone. nowhere to go.'

cried because it was my abbey road he stole. and well, because i love my brother like he is my own child. he makes me scream inside. there are conflicting interests.

another thing that might make some cry, but got me pretty dang close was this.

the first

i eat well. i choose only the finest foods. even on unemployment. i know the best burritos. i know the best fish tacos. i've tried every hamburger in marin.

today.
bran muffin from the cake shop in larkspur.

slice of willie bird turkey
1/2 kaiser roll
mayo
pepper & salt
soft, heirloom tomato

slice of willie bird turkey
1/2 kaiser roll
mayo
cranberry sauce
pepper & salt

i had some kind of stomach virus in my upper bowels last night. throwing up, etc. all i could do was lay in the fetal position in bed - heat in the house had to be turned up to 70, as i was also experiencing the chills.

i got through 8 chapters of a book. she finally found love. love that splices from her fingernails to her toenails. i haven't finished the book yet.

when i wasn't reading. i just lay there.

thinking about money. about bowels. about how aunt linda got 2 feet of her bowels removed this week. everyone is rooting for her. all of our family is convening in oregon at the farm, to help. clutching the bibles. hushing the babies.

aunt linda is my favorite. she runs the family farm. she calls me honey. says i crack her up. we bake together. uncle steve loves me too. he builds houses for her. he works in oil. he bought the farm for fun. i help him bale hay.

our bowels are so crucial. like they are the organizers. the trash. the extractors. they didn't like something i shoved down them. "fuck you". my bowels won. see, nature always wins.

rowdy lay next to me the whole time. looking at me. snoring. shifting. looking at me. snoring. breathing heavily - having his shaking dreams. looking at me. i just held him through the OK parts. and then put my back to his during the ANGUISH parts. this helped keep my back warm. i imagined my mom rubbing my back. and just breathing with a sigh after she had exhausted all efforts to make me feel better. rubbing her feet together while rubbing my back. i tell her to stop rubbing her feet together its bugging me.

i thought about how it might be nice to be someones first wife. i wouldn't mind if someone asked me to be their "first" wife.

i would make a fine first wife. cooking this. baking that. having sex whenever however. sure. walking the dogs. cutting hair. no kids. not unless our first marriage last longer than 5. and then we would start bickering. i would start making suggestions about things. little things.
"don't you know when you steam mussels that you should use a smaller pan than that? save energy."
"when you start the car, you don't need to have your foot on the clutch."
you would give me that look of despair. at one point. and then i would start to feel black. you stay away from home. i pretend to be busy.

i didn't even have the energy to turn out the lights.
walking around during the workweek at malls and shops and stores. babies cry. typically i leave the store immediately. i have a very strong aversion to crying babies & the sound of commercials. i'd rather be swan diving off the golden gate, than listen to either.

so anyway, the babies cry and i leave and enter another.
baby starts crying.
i leave. find another.

after the third store of this, i go home. i'd rather be home than in these crying stores.

a girl sent an email the other day about how her marriage is off. they called the whole thing off. the email was filled with sentences that made me cringe. however, i wasn't surprised.

from the first day i met the couple together, i knew it was doommed. he was a nice quiet man, she was a nice woman with an agenda. in month 2 of them dating, she suggested he moved in. he quietly did. in month 3 of them dating she suggested she have another baby. he silently objected. then about 4 months later, they sent an engagement email. 3 months after that, the breakment email.

as i was driving today through the novato heat, i wondered why all the rushing?

quiet men. rushing women.
silent
fast
i have nothing to do
i have something to do
i have no one to do
i have someone to do
to do the middle

a face filled with cells
drooping when feel tired
eyes pound
contacts out
oxygen in.

breath in through your nose and out through your nose. no need to worry if you hear a sound in the back of your throat.

they say this as yoga starts every morning.

mountain pose. sun pose. warrior pose. sunflower pose.



breathe in breathe out.

waiting for a day when i can see you. someone who interests me.
actually waiting to see about 4 people that i will see this year that interest me.
all successful and failful.

i want my fingertips to burn.
i want my palms to sweat
i want my pulse to race.

cutting this. eating that. buying things. biking things. meeting.

of death and the tooth fairy.

i was reading a book about the tooth fairy for bedtime, while i was babysitting.

it occurred to me

i want to be the tooth fairy when i die. i want to go around to rooms around the country (can i just be an american tooth fairy?) and collect little teeth for the queen fairy's castle (according to this book, that is why they need all those teeth).

all of a sudden, i was OK with the fact that we die.

and then it occurred to me

once we find something to believe in, that is when death will be OK.

hoof



there's a hoof of pig that the smaller dog owns. he chews on it when he feels like chewing on it. he brought it out of his room today.
i spotted the bigger dog sniffing around the hoof, look up, and snatch it up with his mouth the size of the little dog's lower back.
NO!
and the bigger dog jumps back. looks at me. i look at him.

THAT IS NOT YOUR BONE.

he looks at him. walks over apologetic. makes sure his nose touches me. and lays at my feet.

silence.

every 2 minutes we hear the little dog chewing at her hoof. nibble nibble nibble. walk away. nibble nibble nibble. walk away.

when she walks away... i see his big brown eyes look up at me. eyes the size of her paws. they look up. i look at the abandoned hoof. i look at his eyes. they look at the hoof.

and back she is to chew. nibble! scratch.

and he sits and waits.

she grabs the hoof and walks away. dropping it along the way.

he sits and waits. looks up at me. looks down. looks around like nothing is going on.

i wait. he inches closer. looks up at me. looks down. looks around.
i waste gas. drive from city to city. trying to stay away.

from home.

i look at all these numbnut couples. just staring straight ahead in their cars.

big cars. cars so big even my dad gets upset.

the closest of these couples is in fact having a nervous breakdown.
"i never in my wildest imagination thought it would be this way"
and all he wants to do is change a career.

but you see, when you strive for numbnut. change of career really screws up the entire thing, now doesn't it?

a kid got a haircut after i avoided him for a few days. maybe a week. the haircut looks like an upside down top-spin.

a woman spotted me in fairfax on the street. "i know you" she said. and i asked her name one more time, even though i remember the last time i saw her i asked her the same fucking thing. no good at names am i. "lisa" she says. and we update each other and move on. i mean, she was with her family of course. heaven forbid they be left behind.

i looked at the movie theatre. "huh. i've seen every god damned movie! my god!".

i read about a woman going to an ashram. i want more from her tho. the author. the author of "Eat Pray Love". she can be sarcastic (Check) and witty (check) and blah (check). but overall, i want more. congrats to her though for writing a book that will most likely pay for an apt. on the upper west. whew. thats done. now what?

i drive. city to city. i am a gas waster. i think about going to sausalito. to shoot pool by myself. i think about going to the mayflower. to drink a pint by myself. instead i get a salad, and content as a bee in a hive - people watch on a friday night.

too many people are getting pulled over these days for drunk driving. i don't need to be one of them. thats the reality of living in a place where you drive to your drink.

my mom is texting. she wants to know why i text "is your dream job to be a cake decorator?" she said "it used to be, but now i want to be retired." 2 hours later, she is obviously bothered by my question. so i text back "just curious."
i soaked in a bath with bath salts last night. last night i soaked with bathsalts in a bath.
i woke up around oh, 5am and felt NO PAIN!

my joints didn't creak. my back felt light.

if this is what it is like to soak in a bath filled with bathsalts.

then i'm going to soak in a bath filled with bathsalts every night. every night i will soak in a bath filled with bathsalts!

the parts that i think about the most.

ratatouie - the part where the mouse is cuddling and curled up in a ball. reminded me of rowdy.
there will be blood - wow. the shot where its dark, and you only see his red face on the screen is the shot i remember the best. wow. how is face changed.
no country for old men - the begining when lewelyn is walking around and you hear the ground crunch beneath his feet. that was my favorite part. hearing him breathe out in the open. and look at things through binocs.
27 dresses - the elton john bennie and jets part. of course the part where he says he cried like a baby at the fallon wedding. i started crying.
into the wild - the ocean scene. my god the ocean scene. and the bit where he screams.
persopolis - the iron maiden part. it was a great picture of youth.
juno - seeing the mom at the mall looking at children. seeing the mom feel juno's belly. seeing the mom get her baby.
the bucket list - seeing the 2 characters get depressed in the hospital together.
charlie wilsons war - the beginning part with all the coke.
growing long hair, or not cutting your hair, is such a display of patience and proposed femininity.

it must be even moreso as a man growing long hair. or maybe the feminine part is replaced by a "societal" part. when it comes to men growing long hair.

as hair gets longer - the time it took to grow the hair - makes you into something. something made up? something supposedly stronger and wiser - even if in the vain sense. you are stronger vain. you are wiser vain.

it is definitely not lazy. its not a product of lazy.

2007 question thingy.

1. What did you do in 2007 that you’d never done before?

went to chicago.

2. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?

i didn't and will not make any resolutions.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?

nope. unless you count flickr - in which case 8 of the coolest flickr contacts gave birth.

4. Did anyone close to you die?

nope.

5. What countries did you visit?

the cold midwest.

6. What would you like to have in 2008 that you lacked in 2007?

a real relationship.

7. What dates from 2007 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
hmmm. i guess feb. 14th, because the knit shop closed.


8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?

paying off 2 debts.

9. What was your biggest failure?

getting sloppy.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
i learned i have asthma.

11. What was the best thing you bought?

new dresses. makeup. nailpolish.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?

my parents.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?

my boss.

14. Where did most of your money go?
student loans.


15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
trivia nights at the mayflower.


16. What song will always remind you of 2007?

karen by the national

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
 a) happier or sadder? 
b) thinner or fatter? 
c) richer or poorer?

happier, fatter, richer.

18. What do you wish you’d done more of?

going out. being social.

19. What do you wish you’d done less of?

going to target.

20. How did you spend Christmas?

very very ill. on the couch.

21. Did you fall in love in 2007?

only lust. but it sure felt like love. ;)

22. What was your favorite TV program?

the hills.

23. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?
hate is a strong word.


24. What was the best book you read?

this mapping of the creative brain book.

25. What was your greatest musical discovery?
the national. and elliott smith towards the end of the year.


26. What did you want and get?

laid.

27. What did you want and not get?
a trim waistline. ;)


28. What was your favorite film of this year?

into the wild.

29. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?

had dinner at las camillias. 30.

30. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?

being able to pay off loans.

31. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2007?

this year i really developed my own personal style. i wore dresses and short heels on the weekends. i wore scarves. and in the summer i wore an old fedora. i also splurged on cool sunglasses to bring the look together. also, it was a pleasure matching nail polishes. i loved my swimsuit.

32. What kept you sane?

the pool.

33. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?

they are kind of anti celebs - anna calderon.

34. What political issue stirred you the most?

duh.

35. Who did you miss?

my new york friends.

36. Who was the best new person you met?

dan & audrey.

37. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2007.

slow down. take your time.

38. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.
underline everything, i'm a professional, in my beloved white. shirt.